Synthesizing frustration

I tried to synthesize a compound for one of the assays that I’ve been working on. And it sucks because I think I officially gave up today (we bought it finally). It’s so wierd – it seems like a pretty easy synthesis, coupling a para-nitro aniline and a formylated amino acid. It’s my third attempt doing it, and it’s so disheartening to learn that it doesn’t even show up in the mass spec this time. I tried using a co-catalyst (DMAP) in addition to EDC, and would’ve expected it to work and get at least some product (even though it was a chiral mixture).

I hate giving up, and I know that if I work at it, I would eventually get it – and learn a lot in the process. But failure doesn’t come easy, and because of time pressure (my boss wants me to finish up my rotation project and get started on my thesis) I think I may eventually have to accept that I have failed. *sigh*

I think the best part about the summer is the free stuff – and with memorial day right around the weekend, the free stuff is about to begin. Newyorkology.com has a good round up of what’s  going on in the city this weekend, including Fergie playing at 7am for Good Morning America.

Wow. I’d wake up for her. No really.

Things I miss

- A commute : I know I live here, but I still think living on the upper east side with a one block commute is not really “living”. As much as people bitch about the commute, they don’t realize how much of New York they’re missing when they don’t have one! Seeing the same people day in and day out can get so suffocating sometimes. Plus, I met G on the bus by not having a commute the chances of me meeting anyone on the bus are significantly reduced! Granted, you don’t want one more than 20 mins long – and you don’t want one that requires you to walk 10 miles from your Subway stop – but a little commute (say the Hell’s kitch, Harlem, the lower east side etc.) is definitely healthy.

- A Swimming pool : Oh man, nobody can understand the pain of not having a swimming pool better than me! The exhilarating endorphin high after – I’m so on top of the world when I’m done, the excersise for every muscle in the body, the eye candy, the pump that I get after – I almost look like a supermodel! It’s like lithium for my mood swings man!!

- Dogs : There are so many of them around, and it’s so frustrating that there are none at home. Granted reality kind of prevents me from having one, but you know,  it’d be great to come home to someone who’s happy to see me.

- Family : Same as above

- Real Indian food : No explanation needed.

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Sheesha ho ya dil ho…

…toot jaata hai…toot jaata hai!

God bless bollywood – the ultimate remedy for broken hearts!

Games people play…

In a situation where one knows a relationship will end, the smart thing to do would be to not allow it to happen. Of course, I didn’t. And I got attached. And it ended abruptly. And I know I wanted to be more open with him and tell him how I felt, but I figured keeping feelings inside me and putting an arms length between us would make it easier, and that by ignoring the connection and referring to it always as “not serious” it, would make it ok. But it didn’t. I still feel hurt, and I still feel that I miss him. I just found out he slept with someone else, and it was inevitable since I didn’t give him the affection or the acknowledgment that he, or the relationship, deserved.
And now I feel like crap. Because talking to a common friend who kept referring to him revved up my memories and I think, inside, made me aware that I actually miss him. But it makes no sense to do anything about it now. He leaves to go to another city soon, and I will probably never see him after. And really, what’s the point of crying of spilt milk?

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The wedding and such

My brother is super tense. The “small, chilled out” affair didn’t turn out to be that small after all. My sister in law’s 2 sisters and one brother in law will all be in San Fran by 10am today. Shortly after, I think, the chaos will begin. The wedding is at 2.30 tonight, the party is tomorrow night and I look hideous. Not going to the gym for the last three months has resulted in me getting a potbelly.

While the two of them argue about how to pick up who/where and what is to be done next, I’m busy checking out guys. Which, btw, is also adding to my self image issues. Why I do this is still beyond my comprehension. Internet relationships never work, and I think I should just be content living my life single forever. But yet, I go online to see what New York has to offer and then get depressed – either because I don’t match up to their physique or because this is the shallow pool I must eventually choose from.

I’m quite unlike these men – I have no interest in the “gay scene” – no topless pictures, no circuit parties, no “girlfriends”. I just want someone whom I can spend the weekends with. J was convenient. I miss him, I think. Or rather, I miss having someone to chill with on the weekends sans expectations. Is it eventually about just finding someone to settle with? I’m not going to go out there and actively search for someone to date. I think that’s ridiculous. I just want someone who is physically attractive and smart enough to have a conversation with.

*sigh* My life is going in circles.

On prejudice

Sometimes you read stuff that expresses the way you feel so well, that you can feel it resonate inside of you. This is what I felt today when I read the column in the times by playwright and author Harvey Fierstein. You can read it here.  Bravo and thank you Harvey!

Apple ki gaand mein! (Up Apple’s ass!)

WTF?!! Did they not realize I was anxiously awaiting Leopard’s release at an apt time so that I could actually store my newly generated data on my computer. But of course, no – they have to put a wrench in my plans and postpone the release to October – which, btw- is POST my birthday. WHERE AM I GOING TO STORE ALL THE DATA THAT I GENERATE IN THE MEANWHILE?!! Seriously, someone needs to send them a memo to say that the iPhone is not going to be as big as they expect, and that they should focus on more customer oriented services – like their OS! Geez…this is almost as bad as India when they say that your stuff will be ready by point A, when of course, its actually done 3 years from that date!